I love this title, momentarily figurative and ironic. Having barely written in – gulp – a year (hanging head in shame) I feel extreme performance pressure (from myself to myself, thanks self. This must be how dudes feel.) and therefore whatever flows from the fingertips must be golden which is absolutely impossible because I’m rusty as shit and this isn’t a facebook status or a text, r u w/me? LOL. Adorable appropriate emojis here.
HEAT? What heat? The heat of my fireplace? By heat do you mean the 800 feet of snow outside my window??? In the past two and a half weeks our little town of Central MA has surpassed Buffalo to have the most snow accumulation in the nation! WOOO HOOOO! I love Worcester but every time it’s number one in a category it’s a bad one, which is usually fine because I’m cool with crime and drugs and all that but this snow I could really do without.
The thought of attempting to put into words what has happened the past year completely overwhelms me. I can write sentences and snippets of it in my head but to wrap my cognition and vocabulary around the most tumultuous and intense year of my life? Pffft. Tooooo scary. And to say that this has been the craziest year of my life is really fucking saying something because there has been some Lifetime movie crap in the past. But nothing has compared to last year – surprise pregnancy at 41, terror of passing down Fragile X – a 50/50 chance – and then developing a mildly dangerous placental medical condition that continued to progress into the most dangerous and rare form, that in the worst cases can result in death of mother, child or both.
So what’s been up with you???!
I look back one year ago today – I had NO IDEA how much would change in the next year. NONE. I was separated, a full time single mom, happily living in a duplex with my two kids, three dogs, a cat and I was totally UN-pregnant. I had rebuilt my life and was disability advocating and writing and volunteering and running my business, and was thrilled to have met the man I knew would be my happily ever after. The new me!
ONE year later I am remarried, living with my husband, our four combined kids, one dog, a cat, and ummmm, our new baby. Jaxon, 4 months and 3 days old. The NEW new me!
what. the. fuck.
Last year was too hard to write about. I couldn’t I was barely surviving and there was no way in hell I could be vulnerable enough to write because of how emotionally and physically vulnerable I was. I was too afraid to let myself think thoughts of what could go wrong…my baby, my kids, me. So much that could go wrong, so much to worry about. My baby my kids me. My baby my kids me. Babykidsme. What would happen to them if something happened to me…what if I….No, couldn’t write about it. I couldn’t think about it.
The day I delivered I had 5 different teams of specialists in the delivery room, a total of 27 people. The blood bank was stocked with extra blood, just for me. I didn’t give birth as much as they put me under, got Jax the hell outta there, and then worked on me for hours. My uterus was removed (I’m 42, who needs it??!!), my bladder fully repaired (Amen!) and I’m still breathing. And Jax, all 5.5 pounds of him, was just perfect.
And here we are.
Even now – still, every day since Jax’s birth – I am astounded of how much happened in such a small amount of time. And every day I cry tears of happiness, and relief, but most of all, I cry tears of gratefulness.
Bring the snow. It will melt, and summer will come. Not one minute of this life do I take for granted. Not one.