Where’d you go?

I know it’s bad when even Leah’s Aunt Carole from England is asking her why I’m not blogging.  I could give you a laundry list of reasons, some truer than others -procrastination, insomnia suffering, being happy, having other people involved in my life and wanting to protect them – maybe even wanting to protect myself.  

For so long, 3 years now, my blog was where I turned when I had no where else to go.  It was where I could vent, inform, educate, but mostly a place I went when I was devastated and desolate, grieving and lost.  Almost all the significant changes that have happened have been directly and indirectly connected to the publication of my old blog in BayState Parent Magazine in November of 2011.  Never one for subtlety, I did totally explode my life right around my 40th birthday in April of 2012, and have been picking up the pieces and reassembling the old and the new.  

I wake up everyday and thank the universe for the people it has sent me these past years.  The support I receive from my friends is one of the only things that can leave me speechless. I also know that as I have begun to live a life true to who I am, I have become more available to be a friend to those people also.  I am no longer hiding myself and my shame, my guilt, and the nagging voices in my head that I tried so hard to repress.  As I live a life of realness, I attract people who also do.  As I live an honest life, people have appeared as my angels.  I could not have a better cheering squad in my life.  I’m a lucky, lucky, lucky girl.  

And yet – I’m still in limbo.  Life is still assembling but isn’t done – and really, is it ever? I’ve been separated for over a year and a half years but still not divorced, although classes have been taken, mediation conducted, and papers almost filed.  And although not divorced I have met someone and am very much in love.  And he and his family have become a huge part of my life, however they never signed on to this whole ‘public blog persona’ and I feel a need to protect them.  And I also (thank you Irish Catholic guilt) feel bad writing the next chapter when the last one isn’t completed.  So there is my life limbo.  

I am living a life I never thought possible. I never knew you could live an imperfect life and yet be so fulfilled and happy.  I had no idea that life could change so drastically for those you love and yet continue on and become even better.  I didn’t think it was possible for me to ‘do more’ – and be more and have to handle more – and yet still feel complete.  I never believed in destiny until I realized that everything I have been through has brought me to here – and ‘here’ is wonderful and exactly where I am supposed to be.  

Is it easy? No.  Dating at 41 and all that comes along with it is a HUGE adjustment.  And as Leah has said (I’m stealing her quote) “Owen still has Fragile X.”  He is adjusting to kindergarten, he is still mostly non-verbal, he had 3 restraints in school a few weeks ago, another toilet clog, kitchen flood, several vomitting episodes INCLUDING one in the middle of Pub 99 (I caught 90% of it on a plate – SO impressed with myself!).  So easy? No.  But I never expected life to be easy.  My dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was 14 and died when I was 19 – I learned at a very early age life was not handing me unicorns and kittens and cookies.  Many people grieve for a lifetime when their kid is diagnosed with a disability.  I refuse to do that, but I also accept there will be times that the wave of grief hits me.  

My boyfriend and I signed our girls up for gymnastics.  Night one – waiting room was MOBBED, tons of people, Owen was a huge grump and I knew…just knew…it wouldn’t go well.  He was in a frenzy, running, opening doors, trying to escape.  We finally took turns waiting in the car with him while the other adult watched the girls through the viewing room window.  That night devastated me – FUCK I just wanted to be NORMAL and be able to watch the girls like all the other parents! I worried about how his diagnosis will affect my daughter and my ability to participate in her life.  I just wanted to WATCH OUR KIDS like everyone else.  So I had a ‘why me’ night, cried a little, and the next day I called the gymnastics center and set Owen up with his own private class with an instructor who has experience with kids with special needs.  In other words, I put on my big girl undies.  

And he loves gymnastics. So there ya go.  That is where I have been.  Living, loving, fixing, surviving, rearranging, changing and being with the people who love and support me.  I’m happy, probably for the first time in my life.  I’m lucky.  I’m blessed.  And I am so, so excited for the future and what lays ahead for me.